John Terry

Apologies to Chelsea fans, but this guy is appearing in court today accused of racism against Anton Ferdinand. If you're going to make racist comments then I'm afraid you are going to have to stand up and take your place among the bell-ends. Now, I realise he hasn't been found guilty, and that at this stage they are only allegations, but that's enough to put him on this list as far as I'm concerned. What kind of nob insults someone on the basis of their skin colour? It's like the absolute zero of wit; the simplest target. You might as well tell Saddam Hussein he was a bit of a shit, or tell Prince Philip he's a bit inappropriate, or tell David Cameron he's a clueless, inbred posh twat - it all goes without saying. Terry says he made his comments in response to something Anton Ferdinand said about his affair with Wayne Bridge's ex. Again, further bell-endary to justify John Terry's appearance in the nominations today.

Jeremy Kyle

Anyone whose main catchphrase is "put something on the end of it!" has got to be a bell-end. The Jeremy Kyle show, which airs every weekday morning, brings out the worst of what the UK has to offer in terms of people. Almost every guest is a work-shy, cannabis smoking cave-dweller who can barely string more than two words together and spends most of the time bonking like safari park gibbons. It is car crash television at its bloodiest. A High Court judge actually once described it as "human bear-baiting". As for Kyle himself, this slightly camp, slightly built bell-end with a limited vocabulary struts around the stage like the div kid in school when he's paid one of the big boys to protect him for the day. Indeed, he has two burly minders just off camera to ensure that when he launches into one of his vitriolic tirades against an old man with a walking stick, he doesn't get his head kicked in. Watching the Jeremy Kyle show is like driving along the motorway and coming across a nasty pile-up in the opposite carriageway. You do everything you can to keep your eyes on the road ahead and not look at that carnage, but you just can't help yourself. You try everything: Turn on the radio, open a window, glue your eyelids closed and nail your hands over your ears. But that dark shadow that occupies the furthest regions of your heart; the same one that makes you laugh when your kid falls head-first into their toy-box, that makes you wonder if Kate Middleton has had sex with anyone other than William, forces you to pay attention to a modern-day Duncan Norvelle dishing out lie detector and DNA results to the kind of people who enjoy American wrestling because it's real and not in the least bit choreographed. So, people, I give you my first nomination for today's bell-end of the day - Mr Jeremy Kyle.

Bell-end of the Day 8/7/12

Today's bell-end of the day is...Mr Roger Federer. I do apologise to Roger - there are other candidates who certainly gave him a run for his money in the bell-end stakes. However, by taking the title at Wimbledon today he broke the hearts of a nation. That must surely make him a bell-end in anybody's book. This morning, Andy Murray was British. Thanks to Mr Federer he has once again been relegated to being Scottish - at least until next year's Wimbledon. He has condemned our nation's current hero to being a dour ginger bloke with high cholesterol and a penchant for beating up burning terrorists. That is no way to live your life. Coming second today was Ms Imogen Thomas. Let us hope that wasn't the case when she was shagging Ryan Giggs. By the way, I placed above Mansour Murad. I was considered more of a bell-end than a man who pulled out a gun during a live television debate. Bastards!!!

Roger Federer

Okay, I'm going to have to apologise for this one. Roger Federer is a worthy champion; arguably the best player to ever grace the game. He has class, he is a gentleman, and an all-round good bloke. But I'm British, and HE beat Andy Murray. Fucking bell-end!!!

Justin Bieber

He's just a twat. Do I really need to say any more? His latest piece of bell-endary was getting pulled over for speeding twice IN THE SAME JOURNEY! The police actually followed him after the first time they pulled him over and they said he was driving "like a maniac". What they should have said, of course, is "like a bell-end". Why is he famous, anyway? Just because he can sing the word "Baby" about fifty-thousand fucking times!!! And he looks like a nob! He was wearing glasses and a beeny hat the other day and he looked like Where's frigging Wally! Tit!

Imogen Thomas

Okay, so she shagged Ryan Giggs, and he wasted a lot of money trying to make sure nobody else found out. So, what else does she do...? As far as I can see - nothing, except do everything she can to attract attention so she can get in the papers day after day and get up my tits. What is it with these women who think that just because they shag a bloke who kicks a ball around for a living, that we're the slightest bit interested in them? They shag a football player so that makes them a fashion icon; it means they know how to run a shop, how to put make-up on, or it means people are going to buy their biography despite the fact that they are too young to have lived properly yet. How does it work with these women anyway? Is it the same as footballers? When they're in their prime, they get the Premiership and world-class players, but as they get older and a bit more wrinkly and saggy they have to drop down the divisions, and by the time they reach middle age they're shagging players from Scunthorpe United.

David Cameron

The King of the Bell-ends. Everything this man does or says irritates me. Every time I see his face, I just want to punch it. I have absolutely no doubt that these pages will be filled with his name for the next few years while the spoilt little bastard hangs on to power. I just know that this man's bell-endary will bring him to the attention of bell-enders time and time again. Well how about that? Even since I originally wrote this entry, Prime Minister Dickhead Dave Cameron has indulged in more bell-endary, by appearing at Wimbledon just so that he could be seen among the faces because he knew most of the country would be watching. Get back to running (or is it ruining?) the country, Cameron. You're too busy to be watching tennis.

Mansour Murad

This is the Jordanian political activist who, during a heated argument with MP Mohammad Shawabka, which was being broadcast LIVE ON TELEVISION, threw his shoe, and then PULLED A GUN ON HIM! Now, I hate politicians. I would gladly see all of them coated in honey and hung naked by their feet for the surrounding wildlife to bite, sting and generally prey upon. But this bloke pulls a gat, on live telly. Of course, that's not going to get you into any bother, is it?! I'd love to know what Shawabka was playing at, though: When Murad threw his shoe, he tipped his desk forward and hid behind it, but when Murad pulled a gun he went and tried to wrestle it off him. Does this bloke actually know what a gun does? Can you imagine him in the army? 'I don't need your silly guns; I have shoes.' He goes to war, and everyone around him are firing rifles at the enemy, while Shawabka's lobbing espadrilles and brogues, yelling, 'Have that, you bastards!' Although, with Cameron in charge and all the cuts he's making, that's all the British army will have to fight with soon.

Me

I am a bell-end. I'm creating a blog which names bell-ends. That in itself makes me a bell-end. There's also the fact that I fart, snore, watch telly in my pants while eating pizza, and have occasionally been known to masturbate.

Welcome

Welcome to The Bell-ends. Here, I will list the world's bell-ends and why. There will be a bell-end of the day, the week, the month, and then there will be an end of the year vote for the coveted prize of Bell-end of the Year. To nominate someone, just leave a message, saying who and why, and maybe they'll make the day's list. Enjoy!